the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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