I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
