I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
