I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
