Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
