I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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