i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
