omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
