Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
