Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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