people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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