Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
