honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
