I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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