I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
