Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I didn't notice because vodka
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
