The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
