Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My vagina just clenched in fear
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
