Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
