One girl and one boy is just not enough.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
