margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
