hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
