I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
