Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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