i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
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