i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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