Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
