I didn't shave. On purpose
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
