Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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