The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
