I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
