My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize