I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
