i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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