He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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