Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize