I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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