I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
