I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
