i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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