i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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