Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
