we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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