Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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