take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
