if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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