Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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