guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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