i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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