so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
