someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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