Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
