WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
