I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
