I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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