Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You are a genius and a whore.
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