So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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