I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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