I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
