you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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