dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
