I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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