Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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