i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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