i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FUCK WHALES
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
